Followers

Friday 9 December 2011

Circle Quartet: Chapter 10


Chapter 10

Our horse cart stops in front of a cave. The coach opens the door for us. As I step out from the cart, I know that we’re now in a country side. The place is surrounded by shady trees and I can hear the sound of birds chirping and the river flowing. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. How I love the smell of nature! Jeff thanks the coach before he disappears. I know that the coach is one of Grandma Zelda’s henchmen.

“A cave?” whines Sable after he stretches his tired body. “I thought we’re going to the Main House of Circle.”

“Can you please stop whining? I have enough with are-we-there-yet questions back then,” I glare at him. Sable always complains and whines whenever he boards any vehicle except for the aeroplane. He doesn’t like to ride something that is slow.

“This is the right place, guys. Welcome to the 5th Stop, Calore Cave,” Jeff gives a warm welcome smile. “It looks like a cave on the outside because the House is heavily guarded by special binding spell. Did you have your invitation cards?” We nod in unison.

The first rule to enter the Main House is to have the invitation card. Nobody can enter without the invitation card. I printed the invitation card last night and fold it neatly and put it inside the cloak. We hold the invitation cards and step in.

In a blink, the cave turns into buildings like an ancient China palace. Palm trees line up beside the walkway. Bonzais are mushrooming everywhere. The green mown lawn paved the ground. We walk in a slow pace and look around with awe. This place is so amazing! The Main House stands proudly in front of us. The steps are covered with the finest marble and I can hear the clacking sound of my black leather shoes.

Strong, tall pillars standing at each corner of the House and there’s another huge stairs waiting for us. We climb the stairs that are coated with gold and reach at the hallway where rows of rooms stand both left and right. Each door has its number. Jeff tells us to look at the number in the invitation cards. The numbers represent the rooms and we must wait in that room before we’re being called by the Elders of Circle.

My room is number 17. That’s the sweet number because I’m now 17 (but I don’t think I act like one, though). I slowly twist the golden door knob and enter the room which is not too big. It has a sofa, a small cupboard, a mini fridge, a stand mirror, and an LCD TV pasted on the wall, facing the sofa. The room is air-conditioned and perfumed with citrus. I look around the room and stop in front of the mirror. I am wearing a tuxedo wrapped in a cloak – the dress code for vampires.

Suddenly the TV switches on by itself and Grandma Zelda appears. She makes me jump because I can see the reflection from the mirror. She ties her greyish hair into bun and she looks happy.

“Good morning, children. I hope that all of you are here by now. The meeting will start in 10 minutes. You may enter the Hall on the third floor. Bring your invitation card and no talking. Thank you.” The TV switches off. The time has come. I check the invitation card before leaving the room. I meet Beatrice and Raven but I just smile and nod at them. Rules number two: you can’t make any conversation in the hallway unless you are allowed to do so.

The Hall is like a parliament house. The seats arranged in U-shape, facing the two rows of seats; the Eldest of Circle and First-Rank Commanders. Each seat for Representatives has our names written on the desk. My seat is in the middle. Rule number three: You can sit down when your name being called. So, I have to remain standing and waiting for my name to be mention.

The Elders are already here and they are having whispering chit-chat. The Commanders, on the other hand, are just arrived and they are taking their seats. One of them is Jeff, sitting next to Uncle Anders, Mom’s eldest brother. There are four Commanders from each clan. The other two are Uncle Azure, Stefan’s father and Madison, Raven’s cousin from her mother’s side.

“Calling upon the Representative of the Amber clan,” Grandma Maegan, who is wearing the golden high-neck cloak, announces.

I bow and sit down. At last, after being tired of standing up, I can rest myself on the comfortable chair.

“Calling upon the Representatives of the Black clan,” Grandma Zelda announces. She looks magnificent in her golden satin robes.

The Blacks bow and take their seats. They are wearing black satin cloak with hood. As they sit down, they uncover their hoods and look around. I can see my cousins; Dafne, Andrew and Harold, sitting next to each other.

“Calling upon the Representatives of the Primrose clan,” Grandma Tanya announces. She looks rather young than my other two grandmothers because she’s wearing golden turtle neck jumper with a scarf curls to her neck.

Raven and Armand, her brother bow and sit down. Both of them wear cream sleeveless turtle neck jumper. Raven wears knee-length skirts while Armand wears khaki shorts. Our eyes are eyeing Armand for he’s the youngest among us all. I guess that he’s the rare type just like Jeff. If he’s not then he won’t be promoted to be part of the Circle.

“Calling upon the Representatives of the Silver clan,” Mr. Saba, who has long silver hair, announces. He’s Stefan’s grandfather and he looks handsome in his golden armour-like suit.

Stefan and his brothers take their seats. They are wearing grey leather jacket and gloves. Stefan looks cool but I don’t really like his unruly hair. He looks like he never combs his hair.

“Welcome to the Main House of Circle,” greets Grandma Zelda as she’s the Head of the Elders for this year. “Congratulations to all of you. You have made one good step ahead just like your parents. You have been chosen to be part of the Circle not only because of your bloodline but also your strengths, discipline and good skills. And this year we have another rare type just like Commander Amber-Black.” Jeff glances at Grandma Zelda and smiles. “May you come in front, Armand Primrose.”

Armand stands up and walks up to the front, between our seats and the Main seats. Then he bows to the Elders with honour. “Raise your head, young man,” says Mr. Saba. Armand slowly raises his head.

“Armand, you’ll be carrying two family names which are Primrose-Black. You are the youngest to carry this name. You have shown that you have great talents in shape-shifting and casting the spells,” Grandma Zelda smiles at him. Then Armand goes back to his seat.

And now, the main agenda begins. A sheet of agreement letter magically appears on our desk. Grandma Zelda explains briefly about the agreements. Our names have been written to each letter so all do we need is to read carefully before signing it. Back then, during Grandma Zelda’s era, they had to swear the oath by standing and read the oath loudly. Then they used blood as the signature of the agreement.

But in modern world like we are living in right now, we don’t need to swear loudly. All we need is to read the agreement letter and sign it by using a red pen in exchange of using blood. I read the letter carefully, word by word. The letter says:

I, Alice Amber, from the Vampire clan, swore to:

  1. Strictly adhere to the tasks and orders from the Elders.
  2. Complete all the tasks and missions that will be given.
  3. Join forces from other clan in certain missions.
  4. Take all the jobs with responsible and honour.
  5. Never betray the clan and the Circle.
  6. Keep secret of the clan from any other ordinary creature – especially humans.
  7. Not kill humans for pleasure or without explainable reasons.
  8. Be willing to sacrifice and die with honour.

I agree with all the rules stated above.

I read rules number eight few times. The missions must be harder than I thought. I confidently take the red pen and sign my name at the bottom of the letter. I put the pen back to its case at right top of the desk. When everyone signs theirs, Grandma Zelda clicks her fingers and the letters fly to her.

“You have signed the agreement. Before we adjourn our meeting, is there any questions would you like to ask?” asks Grandma Zelda.

Oh, please! Don’t ask questions. It’s kind of cold here even though I’m wearing tuxedo and a cloak. Raina raises up her hand. Everybody stares to her. Now what kind of question the she wants to ask? I hope that she won’t ask something ridiculous.

“Yes, Raina,” Grandma Maegan gestures her hand to Raina.

Raina stands up and clears her throat. Everyone can’t wait to what she’ll ask. “Is there any allowance for the complete mission?” she smiles sheepishly.

We moan in annoyance and roll our eyes. How dare she ask for the allowance?

Mr. Saba laughs out loud. Grandma Zelda clears her throat and makes Mr. Saba to shut his mouth but he still wants to laugh.

“Raina, I want to see you after this.” Raina gulps. “All off you may leave the Hall and have your lunch in the Dining Hall,” Grandma Zelda announces and she stands up.

All of us hurry to the Dining Hall, leaving Raina behind. I hope that Grandma Zelda won’t punish her like any other days.

22 comments:

Taqiuddin said...

cool! alas, I'm gonna be off to Kuan tan 'till tomorrow, typing this in a hurry, I'll save the reviewing for later

Inspector Saahab said...

i love Raina's question.

the flow is interesting. you have described things in this chapter better. i seriously like the part when they used magic spell. Grandma Zelda is so strict. HAHA.

too many new characters introduced and i'm not sure whether it's necessary or not. anyway it is an enjoyable chapter :)

and again you leave us hanging =.=

Nani Othman said...

one question...nape tak boleh bercakap in the hallway?

komen:
-progress agak slow. pastu macam ramai sangat watak..nani pun dah keliru kadang2.

-dialog agak pelik at certain parts..contoh mcm 'may you come in front, armand' to ajakan ke, mintak kebenaran ke, harapan ke? sbb takde question mark..so taktau tu statement ke ape.

-grammar mcm lagi byk salah kali ni. vocab problem pun ade. coach = horse cart. so tak boleh la coach pegi bukak pintu kat penumpang lak tibe2.

corrections:
first paragraph
-coachman opens the door
-i can hear the chirping of birds
-last line tu perlu ke? ape significantnye die tau tu one of grandma nye henchmen? laki tu jahat ke baik? grandma tu jahat ke baik? henchman - a person who does crime and illegal activities for a powerful person. so grandma ni selalu suruh laki tu pegi buat jenayah ke?

second paragraph
-sable doesn't whine. he asked a question/he wondered.

third paragraph
-i've had enough OF, bukan with
-the last two lines tak make sense. sable thought they were going to the main house. alice commented that he whines when he boards slow vehicles, which is irrelevant sbb sable didn't mention the vehicle or the slowness of it. he just wondered about the cave,

fourth paragraph
-this is the place. takyah letak right. diorang takde salah tempat pun tadi kan?
-DO you have, bukan DID

fifth paragraph
-...to have AN invitation card, kalau the tu maksudnye diorg ramai2 masuk bawak satu kad je.
-last two lines tak make sense - apesal kena print sendiri? kalau invitation card tu kan patut dihantar? main house ni ade website ke? print from the web ke ape?
-hold mcm mane? (perlu ke hold as you walk in?)

sixth paragraph
-the cave turns into buildings (bape byk bangunan?) - nani taktau mcm mana nk correct. kalau the inside of the cave turns into an interior of a palace maybe OK. tapi tiba2 ade palm trees lak
-...stood in straight lines on both sides of the walkway
-bonsais, bukan bonzai
-nape mushrooming tiba2? mushroom = increase. something can only increase if it starts with a small amount..tapi bonsai ni baru je first time mention, and this is the first time they're here..so tak make sense lah.
-lawn tak boleh paved the ground..spread across the yard ke ape ok lah. paved tak make sense.
-look around IN awe, bukan with
-last sentence agak weird and disjointed. steps covered with marble = tangga berbalut guli. the marble staircase lagi better kot. and what's the point of the clacking of the shoes..? tiba2 je. dah naik tangga ke belum? clacking tu masa tgh naik tangga ke?

seventh paragraph
-...another huge staircase. bukan stairs.
-coated with gold boleh tukar jadi gilded staircase kot
-endless hallway of doors on both sides
-to refer to number in the inv cards
-last sentence tak clear. we must boleh ganti dengan we are to
-before we're called, takyah being

eighth paragraph,
-my room number is 17
-that's sweet
-lcd tv pasted? guna gam ape?
-last sentence tu buat apa kat paragraph ni? lepas tgk cermin baru die tau die pakai ape ke?

ninth paragraph,
-appears on the screen
-second sentence pelik gile..apesal nak melompat sebab nampak reflection? reflection ape?
-last sentence pun pelik gile..nape dah kuar TV baru nak sanggul rambut? apesal tak sanggul siap2 ni..?

tenth paragraph,
-i check the invitation card - for what??
-rule number two. bukan rules.

Inspector Saahab said...

whoaaa..

Nani Othman said...

eleventh paragraph
-the seats ARE arranged in a U
-facing the bla bla(arah mane ni? ke at the end of the rows?) are the eldest bla bla
-each seat sampai desk - tak paham. conteng meja ni kes ape sebenarnye? letak nameplate lah..tempat mcm mewah gile, tapi conteng meja..mane boleh..
-rule one two three ni semua tulis kat mane? kat kad ke? ni first time diorg datang..mcm mane diorg tau pasal rule2 ni semua?
-...after your name is called.
-...wait for my name to be called. mention tu sebut sambil2 je. called = panggil. takkan elders ni semua sembang2 tersebut nama alice pastu die boleh duduk? mestilah kene panggil kan?

twelfth paragraph
-the elders tu mmg dari dah duk situ kan? tak perlu ulang cerita mcm diorg baru sampai lak tibe2.
-they are whispering to each other (whispering chit chat tak make sense)
-second sentence - tadi kate commanders semua tgh facing the rows of seats. ni mcm mane boleh tiba2 baru sampai pulak??
-ape perlunye watak azure dgn madison ni kat sini?

fourteenth paragraph
-...take my seat (actually tadi diorg ni duk stand kat mane?)
-second sentence mcm tak perlu je.

sixteenth paragraph
-black satin cloaks, bukan cloak
-with hoods
-uncover their hoods (tadi diorang cover hood tu dengan ape pulak dah..?)

seventeenth paragraph
-ape perlunye MC ramai2 nak panggil semua wakil ni? mcm pointless je. sorang sudah. sebab bile kite tulis cerita, semua benda yg kite describe mesti ade meaning, ade reason..kalau tak, rugilah tulis..rugi jugak org yg bace sebab takde point pun.
-she's wearing A turtleneck jumper
-scarf kerinting ni scarf ape sebenarnye? nape die mengerinting ke arah leher grandma ni? scarf tu hidup ke?

eighteenth paragraph
-...are wearing bla bla bla jumpers
-knee-length skirt. bkn skirts. bape byk skirt die pakai??
-we are eyeing. bukan our eyes are eyeing. mata diorg ade mata jugak ke?
-a rare type, bkn the rare type

nineteenth paragraph
-armour ke suit, decide lah. armour-like suit tu mcm mane rupenye?

twentieth paragraph
-grey leather jackets. takkan diorg same2 pakai satu jacket je. dah jadi lain mcm la laki ramai2 share satu jacket..
-jacket dgn gloves je? seluar mane? kalau taknak cite pasal seluar, better guna suits je..lengkap skali sgn suarnye.
-last two sentences boleh rephrase kot. mcm disjointed skit.

Parmita said...

This chapter is so exciting. As usual your descriptions are clear and vivid. Also, there is a noticeable improvement in your English too. Keep writing and you will progress greatly.

Yay! The problem with followers listing is solved. Finally I have made it to your followers list.

Parmita said...

Also, I was wondering as to what sort of review you are expecting. As far as I am concerned, I am preferably commenting as a basic reader would. There is a huge difference when a critique is reading your book as compared to the general public. Readers don't bother much about the literary aspect. All they need to stick by a story is the interest and understandability factors. That is why mostly, I comment as a fan of your writing who doesn't care about grammatical mistakes. All I need is the fact that I enjoy your story. I hope that you have made a clear picture regarding your target readers and the scope of your story.

Nani Othman said...

21st paragraph
-..skills je. takyah good skills.
-may you come in front tu rephrase balik lah. pelik dan tak dpt difahami.
-nape tiba2 nak announce ade rare type dlm welcoming speech? ape point the whole chapter ni sebenarnya? nk ckp pasal armand ke nak introduce elders ke nak ape..?

22nd paragraph
-first sentence tak make sense..armand ni duk kat mane dan berjalan ke front mane? mane front? mane side? mane back? yang between the seats tu die buat ape? jalan ke, berdiri ke?
-with respect kot..mcm tak kena pulak with honour kat situ

23rd paragraph
-you'll be carrying two names ni kenapa sebenarnya? sblm ni nape nama die satu? nape tiba2 jadi dua? mak bapak die baru kawin ke mcm mana sbnrnye ni?
-nape die balik to his seat? in the first place why was he asked to come to the front? kalau nak bgtau die ade great talents bla bla time die duduk pun boleh ckp kan?
-rule tempat ni pelik. kat hallway tak boleh bercakap, tapi lepas elder bg recognition smbil tersenyum boleh plak blah terus pegi duduk? tak rude ke mcm tu?

24th paragraph
-...on each letter, bkn to each letter
-swear the oath = menyumpah perjanjian? take the oath lagi better.
-blood to sign the agreement

25th paragraph
-in the present day (takyah tulih we're living right now segala..mmg dah present tense pun..)
-swear loudly = mencarut kuat2, rephrase balik lah part ni
-all we need to do is
-agreement je, takyah letter
-red pen je?? buatlah dakwat nye tu magic ke ape..tempat punye la power..upacara segala mak nenek keramat turun ke bumi ni..takkan sain surat dgn pen merah je??

letter
-swear to, mane boleh swore to, sign pun belum
-join forces WITH, bukan from
-responsibility
-keep the secrets of the clan
-especially humans? so kalau kat makhluk lain bocor sikit2 pun takpe..?
-without reasons je, takyah explainable
-to sacrifice what? die with honour tu mcm mane? byk sgt honour ni. perkataan honour ni dah mcm overused dah.
-i agree with all the rules..tu semua rules ke?

26th paragraph
-rule number 8 for a few times.
-harder than i thought - bile die pernah think pasal missions ni semua?
-mane dtg red pen tu? mane dtg case die pulak? tadi atas meja ade nama je.
-after everyone has signed their letters
-snaps her fingers. clicks ape benda nya..mouse ke?

27th paragraph
-perlu ke grandma bgtau semua org yg diorg dah sign? diorang lupa ke yg diorang dah sign?
-...questions you would like to ask, bukan would you like to ask.

28th paragraph
-ape kaitan don't ask questions dgn the temperature of the room?
-stares at her, bukan to her
-what kind of question = soalan jenis apa, sebelum ni raina ni penah ke tanya ape? ni first time diorg dtg sini kan? mestilah yg ni soalan pertama die..
-anything ridiculous, bkn something

29th paragraph
-gestures ni gesture yg mcm mane..tunjuk ke, angguk ke..?

30th paragraph
-nape can't wait? semua orang memang tengah wait pun kan? maybe boleh rephrase mcm..everyone waited with batted breaths ke, waited patiently ke, anticipated her question ke..
-allowance ke payment?
-for completing the missions lagi ok kot.

31st paragraph
-for allowance, takyah the
-another question - what is wrong with her question?? nape pulak nak ade how dare kat situ? ke it is a known fact yg all the missions must be completed pakai duit sendiri? takde sebut kat mane2 pun??

32nd paragraph
-nape nak laugh out loud if the question is not even funny? because mcm nani mention sebelum ni, is it a known fact yang diorang memang takkan dapat duit? why is her question ridiculous tu tak pulak dijelaskan..
-makes mr saba shuts his mouth.

33rd paragraph
-i want to see you after this tu grandma ckp kan? so raina gulps tu kena perenggan lain. takleh smbung kat situ.
-all of you, bukan off
-and stands up, takyah buh she

34th paragraph
-like any other day

Nani Othman said...

soalan lagi,
semasa n selepas diorang sign surat ni, elders lain n first rank commanders semua buat apa? jadi batu ke kat situ? takde sebarang action pun yg diorang buat..so in the first place nape diorang ade kat situ? nape diorang di-introducekan dalam chapter ni sebenarnya? masa raina tanya soalan tu, nape mr saba je yg ade reaction..? yang lain semua tak dgr soalan ke?

mase semua blah pegi dining hall..keluar serentak dgn VIP ke? tak rude ke macam tu?

chapter ni banyak loopholes..dan tak cukup details. banyak details yang tak perlu sebenarnye. cube kak long bayangkan chapter ni satu scene dlm movie..tak ke penonton semua heran dgn semua loopholes ni?

contoh mcm part armand kene panggil tu..kalau dlm movie kan, cube kak long bayangkan..die kene panggil then nenek tu ckp benda yg die dah tau pastu die blah pegi duduk. tak panas ke nenek? tak panas ke penonton?

suggestions:
kurangkan jumlah watak dalam satu chapter..takyah tulis pasal orang-orang yang takkan beraksi. sebab nanti readers akan heran - eh..diorang tadi pegi mane?

buang dialog yang tak make sense dan tak tolong story building. dialog sepatutnye jadi pengganti narration kat tempat2 yg mcm susah nak decribe..tu keje dialog lah..bukan utk memanjangkan cerita.

tentukan ape point utk setiap chapter supaya tak jadi macam laporan, takde climax takde resolution..so dah macam report je jadinye.

tentukan sape watak utama setiap chapter..sebab takkanlah kite tulih cite takde center, laporkan tentang semua orang and ape diorang buat..nnt dah jd mcm suratkhabar plak.

jangan directly translate from BM - ade jugak part2 yg kak long direct translate ni..nnt die punye language jadi tak balance. boleh menimbulkan keadaan tak paham.

Nani Othman said...

good points utk post kali ni:

ade perubahan setting..jadi kite bolehlah kembangkan watak ikut kesesuaian tempat. tapi sebab watak ramai sangat..ade yg tak sempat bersinar..so agak rugi kat situ.. tapi tukar setting tu very good, takdelah diorg duk kt tmpat yg same je..

ade progress kat plot walaupun agak slow. at least ade progress..takdelah watak2 semua terkurung..they get to do something else.

ada development utk characters. they dont remain the same people in the same state. skrg diorg dah upgrade diri diorang.

takat tulah dulu komen2 nani. dh byk nani tulis ni.. nnt2 kalau kak long tak muak lagi dgn komen nani..nani komen lagi..

Ciklong said...

farid: have a nice holiday. i'll be waiting for your review

chakir: normally grandmothers are strict. hehehe. yeah, too many characters. sebab i thought i'm going introduce some characters tapi jadi banyak la pulak!

sui: thanks for your comment but i think i lack lots of interesting points in this chapter.

you can review or critique my writings. i don't mind. just look at my best friend, Nani Othman did. hehe. she analyzes everyting and mention what should I do to improve my writings :)

Ciklong said...

nani: tak pernah seumur hidup long tulis blog, dapat komen yang byk cam ni. haha. thanks. you break the record!

thanks so muuuuuch for the critiques for each paragraphs. rajin pulak nani komen setiap paragraphs.

nampaknya long kena edit balik all ten chapters sebab bila baca balik, rasa macam ada sedikit kekeliruan an ridiculous. cara buat dialog pun macam tak berapa betul, the way long describe pun tak berapa comel lagi. hehe.

Long letak terlalu banyak characters tapi ada yang tertinggal dan orang tak nampak apa kepentingan certain characters dalam chapter ni.

hmm....apa lagi ek? sebenarnya terpegun dan terharu sebab nani analyzed kesemua paragraphs bersama dengan comment yang sgt memberangsangkan.

i think i should take some times to repair my grammars. malu la wei cikgu English tapi grammar berterabur. hahaha! thanks again! luv u!

Nani Othman said...

no problem. hari ni tak busy sgt..bleh lah komen panjang2...

haha..lagi malu jadi cikgu english sampai lupa diri sendiri tu melayu (ehem ehem), sape makan cili~?? taktau taktau. haha~

Inspector Saahab said...

hi english teachers :P feel free to review my writings plak. HEHE

Ciklong said...

nani: hahahaha!!! at least kita cakap jugak BM even tho we are english teachers, dari org melayu yang tak nak mengaku melayu secara terang tang tang!

aish, start esok kena gi kelas grammar ni. haha!

chakir: hi! hi! i dah review your writings. tak tau nak komen apa. i got carried away by your writings. haha XD

Inspector Saahab said...

hak hak (evil laugh)

that's too much teacher. u're still u. and just be yourself. eheh. mcm xde kaitan=.=

Taqiuddin said...

Yeah! Ore, Sanjou! (wanna relieve the stress inside the car for 3 hours TT_TT) anyway, since this is the 10th chapter, may I review the overall story so far? I'm not as good as Nani Othman but I'll try as a reader and writer.

First of all, the view as a girl is vividly seen, and keep without any changes perfectly, as a guy, I saw that your point-of-view is okay enough.

The based of the story is understandable, I appreciate how you mix all the myths and legends to one kind of big family and the bloodline of it. Though I don't really recommend the usage of it as Twilight thingy is still on and people will always negatively thinks you're "tumpang populariti" although it's not your real attention. Anyway, I'm expecting much elaboration on the powers, abilities and how you define this the vampires, were-wolves and such.

I do, however, not recommend the usage of unnecessary suspense used along the chapters. If you want to make this novel published, which I very much hope for, readers will start grow tired of the suspense. The blood drinking thing is useful and give the thrill to the readers, but things such as calling her big brother "mutual rival" even though the fact is she loves him and the grandma's "wrath" are best avoided as the readers will know as soon as they flick the page.

Here's a thing about fiction, the writer need to keep reminding her/himself of the timeline of the story. I do dis prefer how Harry Potter's magical world are so into old style and as far as I can see, this story's timeline is quite in the modern world so the usage of a horse coach are quite, extinct now. Please do try to make a unique style and prove other writers that fiction can be on the modern world too.

As you're a Malay, I do understand how the dialog can be quite Malay-ish but please do restrict it. This can be avoided by virtually play the scene in your mind and see does it fit or not in the modern, non-Malay country. The arrangement of elaborations, narrations and such is also crucial but I cannot see any flaw of that in your writing.

And finally, I do apologies of my rudeness and why the heck am I using this style of writing during this commentary session but alas, my brain is still in a state of confusion as I am a claustrophobic and easily got nauseous in a car. Before I hit myself in the head, may I say you're writing are extraordinary in a point but a need some improvement in another. I can see your potential in writing and I hope I can be as good as you.

Sincerely,
Your humble student

Taqiuddin said...

just recovered -__-"
sorry for the weird style and terrible grammar teacher....

Ciklong said...

farid: hey, welcome back. anyway, that lily wanted to flame me but i don't care.

i've been away for a while because of the interview thingy. nasib baik habis awal. hehe

thanks for the comments and i'll update the next chapter soon. i'm busy with some work. haha

Anonymous said...

Lovely novel!! And actually Me and my friend had done one...I hope you'll read it!!
chatroomchaos1@blogspot.com

Ciklong said...

batrisyia: thanks :). ok, i'll read :)

PC1667 said...

Okay, Raina is sooo cool! :D Luckily they don't have to use their blood to sign the agreement letter. I got shiver running up my spine just by the thought of it. I wonder what kind of punishment will Raina get. Off to the next chapter :)